At the age of 13, things got much more complex. My mother complained about many things that I did, and I didn’t accept it. Actually, I had been fighting since I was a little girl against my older sister. So, the trouble increased since I had two enemies instead of one, and by the age of 18, I had 3 enemies: my father was in too. I had become «the rebel of the family». But my rebelliousness was reaction. I was just reacting to everything I didn’t like. I had the feeling that everything I had received was not they way I would have liked it to be. I kept imagining how things should really be in the ideal world that I had created in my mind.
I think this is reaction; or the same thing, rebelliousness without understanding. I didn’t understand any thing. I just wanted things to be different from what they were, looking towards an ideal that I had created. Reaction helps us to survive, because if we don’t re-act, we feel we are dead. By reacting, at least we feel alive. But this aliveness is very dangerous. You feel alive, but at the same time you are already dead. You feel life is not worth it; you don’t appreciate it, you don’t celebrate it. It could go at any moment and you don’t care. That’s why there’s so much trouble, so much fighting in the world. Only the ego is living, your real you is dead, and the ego has overtaken the whole control of the situation.
When you understand things, your inner you comes alive and you don’t need to react anymore. You may be called a rebel, because you follow nobody’s rules, but in reality you are not a rebel, you are just you, truly you.